Through the years I have ridden with some awesome trainers. I have also taught many clinics, have students in training and have had the opportunity to teach many people all ages, levels and types of horses.
The reason that I have studied and become an RMT Life Coach and a Mindfulness Coach is because I felt that the dressage training did not prepare me well enough for the conversations and mindset aspects of dealing with people in a training and competition environment. I hope what follows will help people develop healthy relationships with their students and coaches, all in the interest of riding our horses better.
The trainers I was most successful with had their way of dealing with me, and their other students, but was that approach working for me with my students. I felt that side of it was limited. So I went outside the horse world for guidance.
I feel that my ability to communicate with my clients is so much better now than it used to be. I also feel better equipped to negotiate difficult conversations and build trust in the relationship so we can tackle the real goal, which is learning better how to connect and ride the horses. All this being said, the ultimate stumbling block, for me and my students, is healthy communication. For me, I grew up in a time where you did not ask questions. We rode and did and tried and cried, but we did not ask questions. There was a time when I was in a relationship with my trainer and we talked all the time about training, but never when I was riding, during that time it could get quite uncomfortable if I asked questions. At least we could talk about it when we weren't riding, so this was very helpful, and perhaps a bridge that helped me to where I needed to be.
Since then I have developed the discipline to ride when I am supposed to ride and the determination to ask questions during the walk breaks and perhaps even before the lesson. I do not ride with many new people. I know myself well enough to know that if we cannot talk about the feeling then this is not the right instructor for me. I also know that I need to push myself sometimes and riding through something that does not "feel good" can be necessary. However, I will not accept that this lasts too long, and I never accept the idea that my horse is not trying. So again, the trainers I ride with need to believe the same basic principle that I do, and that is that my horse is always trying to do what I want, if we are muddled it is because he is confused and I need to explain it better.
This is where it becomes very interesting. I believe that when two people disagree and cannot connect in a lesson, it is because there is a fundamental belief that is different. It took me a while to figure this out. I can tell you that I have stood in many rings and taught many lessons, and talked myself blue in the face, and ultimately what I was missing is that their fundamental belief was different than mine. What does this mean? (There are many basic principles, but here I just mention a couple that could get in the way. ) This means one can believe that the horses come to the ring with the idea not to work and to do what ever they can do not to work vs me who believe that horses are generous creatures and are trying to figure out what we want. Imagine the lesson I teach coming from my point of view and the irritation of the student that has no interest to believe this. My whole strategy will have to change in order to make progress with this rider.
Another example could be me coming to the lesson believing that the student can do what I am asking, and the student having an underlying lack of confidence or anxiety about the exercise we are talking about. With this block in place I can talk myself blue in the face but we really are not going to get the job done until we are able to come closer together on this subject.
One more example might be the instructor coming with a preconceived notion that the student has no feeling or concept of what they are trying to do, and then this instructor comes from a place of belittling or criticism instead of thoughtful explanation and building trust. It is our obligation to hear our students when the conversation starts. I always tell my kids, unless you are the one with your butt in the saddle never ever judge. I truly believe this, and from this point of view I must stay open and listening when the conversation starts. I am also always willing to get on and feel something when I get stuck in a lesson. It might look like one thing and then you get on and it feels totally different. This is where healthy conversation must come in, and the horse must not be innocently in the middle of the struggle of two egos.
When is a good time to ask questions? During a break. When do we take a break? Before the point of no return. When confusion starts, say that you need to take a walk break, do good transitions, stay connected with your horse and then start the conversation with respect and honest curiosity. This goes for both the instructor who may see things sliding down hill, or the student who may be confused or incapable of doing the desired exercise.
I hope this helps students that are uncomfortable to ask questions, or feel like their instructor thinks "its my way or the highway.' Really it is not like this. Good riding requires that we get out of our heads. This is what an instructor that tries to push you through that bad moment is trying to do. I also hope it helps instructors to understand that not all questions are questioning your knowledge or capabilities, questions can simply be questions and we are curious to know your interpretation of the answer.
I hope this is beneficial to you and the partnership you have with your horse!
Be youthful in your approach
Remember anything is possible
Connection is the key
Nancy
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